Online Personals, Online Dating Resources and FAQs

By April Braswell

What are some of the first things to do when you are looking to go do ONLINE PERSONALS and ONLINE DATING?

First off, if you haven't been dating for awhile, which is usuallly when a client first delicately approaches me or is lovingly referred to me by a friend or relative, I make a point to connect with them (him or her) and get to know them a bit. 

Some of the problems I typically see with profiles at such online personals and online dating websites like Yahoo!, Match, and Eharmony, is that the profiles are way too generic.  Wow, you could be anyone.  I make a point of interviewing them and going through my extensive questionnaire process with them both to foster their self-confidence but also to help identify some of their wonderful uniquenesses which we will then craft into their Online Personals and Online Dating profiles.

Second, this is most important for the women, market yourself really well visually.  Oye, hello.  The popularity of Porn, Pornography, YouPorn, YouTube, Red Tube, XTube?  Before we ladies get too too terribly upset, pause, breath, calm down and reflect on that with me for a moment.  Men like to SEE beautiful women.  Yes, what a concept.  Men, indeed, are more visually stimulated than women.  Even when women like myself are very moved visually, it doesn't matter.  We are nothing like what men are with being visually stimulated by attractive women.  Don't believe me?  Just go take a look over at Dr. Kevin Hogan's website and research on this?  OK?  (http://www.kevinhogan.com/doessexsell.htm)

So, what does that mean for your profile and going online with Online Personals and Online Dating?  It means,

1.  you probably need some image rehauling to market yourself better as a sexually attractive woman and

2.  you need PHOTOS at your profile which are REALLY REALLY good. 

Please, go now to (), look through the photographers in your area, check out some of their portfolios online.  Whose work looks good to you?  Visually appealing?  Like the people are BEAUTIFUL and still, yah know, people?  That's your photographer.  Because what you WANT to look like is YOU at YOUR BEST.  Still, YOU.  Not actually totally stylized and fake.  You.

Additionally, I recommend joining about at least 3 sites.  Yes, of course,the big ones, Yahoo! and Match.com.  And don't jump in and START BOTH of those at the same time.  Stagger your start time by about 6-8 wks.  You can only manage so many Dates 0s in a week. OK?  I know, I know.  I hear joyfully from my clients, "April!  It's like being a kid in a candy store all over again!"  Precisely.  So, why get gluttunous and try to do it all in the first 4 weeks?  Stagger your personal launch dates at bit.

Also, join a few NICHE market Online Personals and Onine Dating sites. 

Are you from India?  Hindu?  Muslim?  Catholic?  You will want join some site specific to your sub-niche markets.

If you are Catholic, you will definitely want to go join the largest CATHOLIC Online Personals website, Catholic Match, today.

Stay Abreast of the Times

Since Online Personals and Online Dating is, of course, done online, every few months or so, there are CHANGES and NEW THINGS to be taking advantage of with dating online.  Stay abreast of the latest trends.  What is one of the better ones?  Speed Dating.  Yes, you've seen it parodied on Sex in the City.  This IS something you will want to check out.  One of my messages is to get out on more dates and to meet more singles.  Speed Dating is a great way to do this. Now, please don't be too much like my cousins who are always looking to be incredibly efficient.  But indeed, you can do several mini-dates in one evening, thereby lebeveraging your time.

Some of the better ones for Speed Dating: CUPID  

So, Tell Me About Yourself and Other Pointlessly Inept Questions During Online Dating Email Exchanges and Date 0s

Oye!  Gimme a break.  What are some of those annoyingly inept questions that oh-so-clearly show me that you haven't been in a relationship in years and don't know how to avoid pedantic questions?  "Tell me about yourself...."  These are like those bad HR interview questions that just demonstrate that the interviewer doesn't know how to build rapport and actually get to know me a little bit.  What a wide open question.  What is it that you would actually like to know about me, and please let us not get into the too-too-terribly specific sort of check list questions on Date 0.  We're single.  We already know that fear is a big motivator and we're all striving to avoid rejection and heartache, so it's like we race to our checklist of items to find out about the person so we can QUICKLY pre-reject them.  Then we can avoid heartache. 

Right?

Wrong!

So, you're the man.  You want the lady to open up to you a bit.  We'll talk about some ways to build rapport through body language in a separate topic.  I'll hyperlink it here so you don't have to go mindlessly searching for it later.  But for now we will focus on your words. Dialog. 

First, demonstrate you are a gentleman and are going to pay for this date.  "Can I buy you a drink?"  Tell me you didn't just meet her at Starbuck's, yes?  It's the 2st c equivalent of meeting at McDonald's.  Which BTW, has pretty good coffee these days.  If you have already met her, you're both in your 50s or 60s and the whole town knows you and you know each other from Bible Study class and are trying to escape the scutiny of your small town, by all means, escort her over one town to the McDonald's there for coffee and conversation.  You work with what you have.  But in general, aim for higher class than that early on.  Oh, and yes, that was just the high lights of Hamlet courting story of a now-married couple I know.  Darling isn't it? But I digress.

So, you've bought her her drink.  You are demonstrating your masculine prowess by negotiating the crowd and bringing her drink back to her at the table you have.  You did make reservations, yes?  Cool.  We ladies LOVE a man with plan.  As you place her drink on the table, know that this is a modern of equivalent of cave man home from hunt displaying his kill to demonstrate his ability to PROVIDE and his hunting virility.  "Here honey, this is for YOU!"  Offer her the drink and look her meaningfully in the eye.  A little romantic eye contact will serve you well here.  "Here's your drink."  Yes, you do not need to be verbous.  When she has a sip, inquire, "Is it the way you like?"  Unless it is dreadful, hopefully she will demure and say something classy like, "Yes, it's lovely.  THANK YOU."

Yes ladies, THANK THE MAN.  Thank the man for the provision he provides.  It's sort of like verbally squeezing his broad muscled shoulders and utterinly,  "Oooo!" admiringly.  Thank him.

"So, tell me more about what you like to do.  You mentioned in your profile... " (you read it, right?  You did get past her hot sex vixen I look FABULOUS photos, right?  OK, good.  Just checking.) "... that you like to go hiking.  Where do you like to go?"  Let her answer.  "Really. How interesting. How often do you like to go?"

Notice you have actually FOCUSED your questions.

Interestingly enough the brain is lazy.  When we ask too wide open and open-ended question, the brain just goes, "Huh?"  As in the case of, "So, tell me your goals for the next 7 years?" 

What did your brain just do?

It went, "Awrrrn.  Huh?"

Nothing.

But when I help you to focus it,  "So, tell me about your goals in relationships for the next 7 years?"  You had some thoughts and ideas, didn't you?  "I want to get married.  I want to be in a meaningful and satisfying relationship, not just GET married.  I want 3 children if I'm lucky, but I'd be happy with just 2 if that's all that's possible.  I want to move away from the Bay Area.  It's so expensive.  I'm thinking of Nevada, maybe Carson City.  I even want to start my own business in construction...."  You get the idea.

Now be a gentleman and gently lob the ball back to her...

"That what I want to do.  How do you feel?"

Fantastic!  That was great.  OK, more later.

SPAM and FORM LETTER RESPONSES

Oh my LORD, the spam email notes I get via Online Personals.  It cracks me up.

Gentlemen, please, don't you think we can tell you didn't actually read and respond to my profile and are just essentially spamming me when your first note starts out addresses to an endearment and not my name?  And when the letter is 10 paragraphs?

Be a man.

Suck it up.

Say something.

It's perfectly cool to be brief.  But say a few sentences. 

Really, we'll respond better. 

Oye!

To contact April Braswell for her expert dating, Online Personals, and relationship coaching, just send an email to her at:  apriljbraswell@aol.com